Chatter.

It's time to fire your inner critic.

You can't criticize your way to self-improvement. Shame isn't motivating—it tanks your drive, energy, and creativity. When the story that you are telling yourself is disparaging, you shut down. Still, many people try to berate their way to behavior change. It's ineffective and counterproductive. If you're serious about transformation, replace criticism with compassion. 

When individuals find themselves trapped in a cycle of critical thoughts and self-flagellation, they often:

• Think and speak in absolutes, using words like "always" or "never."

• Replay past failures and ruminate over mistakes.

• Focus excessively on what they "should" or "shouldn't" be doing.

• Assume that others disapprove of them in the same way they judge themselves.

The wiring for self-criticism starts early. A parent's voice becomes a child's self-talk. If your caregivers were harsh or had perfectionistic standards, you've likely internalized similar ways of relating to yourself. 

Some people mistakenly think self-criticism is necessary to maintain their edge, but this couldn't be further from the truth. Self-compassion doesn't breed complacency; instead, it fosters courage, confidence, and resilience. Subjecting yourself to constant self-criticism injects stress and hinders your ability to focus, take risks, and innovate. Your inner critic keeps you scared, discouraged, and playing small. If you stood over a child and screamed what is on repeat in your mind all day long, how would you expect him or her to perform?

Self-compassion isn't soft. It helps you be sturdy. Think: brave, strong, fair, and wise. It isn’t a way to let yourself off the hook or ignore problems. Instead, self-compassion involves choosing to be charitable and understanding toward yourself when you suffer, fail, or fall short. It validates and helps you get unstuck. And, it gives you permission to move forward with insight that will empower you to do better next time.

Self-compassion doesn't come naturally to many people. It's a practice that takes time and effort to develop. Want to build this skill? Start with self-awareness. Notice the things you say to yourself automatically. To upgrade your words, first pay attention to the ones you currently choose. Then, find a new voice. If it's hard for you to flip your internal script, channel someone in your life who builds you up. Imagine what they might say to you, especially when you’ve struggled to show up as your best self. Many individuals talk to themselves in ways they would never dream of speaking to another person, so you can also consider what you might say to someone else in your position. Often, it's easier to access kindness for others than to extend grace to ourselves. 

Be careful about the stories you tell yourself–they’re some of the most powerful things you listen to. Where is the story you’re currently telling yourself taking you?

If you liked this post, spread the Joy and share it with someone else!

If you’re interested in more strategies for managing stress, raising your EQ, and strengthening self-awareness, don’t miss Finding Joy:

For more of my musings on love, life, and work, you can follow me on Twitter, Linked In, and IG.