Unhinged.
After school meltdowns? Turns out they're normal (and make a lot of sense).
My parents describe that the day I stepped on the bus for my first day of kindergarten, I came home a different kid. For the first five years of my life, I was easy-going and happy-go-lucky. But after I started school, it was like a switch flipped—I came home spicier, with more of an edge.
In the classroom, I spent eight hours a day on my very best behavior. As a result, I got lots of positive attention and praise from teachers and was popular with my peers. School was great. Home, on the other hand, was often not as enjoyable—for anyone. My parents got what was “leftover” when I was spent. Some days, it wasn’t a pretty picture. “But, Mom,” I’d explain, “I can’t be good ALL day long!”
As kids head back to school and adults prepare for the demands of a busy fall—hopefully after a bit of summer respite—autumn transitions often usher in a blend of anticipation and stress. Jostled by different routines and mounting pressures, there’s a phenomenon many of us experience but don’t always recognize: restraint collapse. This plight is what created my Dr.Jekyll-Mr. Hyde personality split.
What is Restraint Collapse?
Restraint collapse describes what happens when emotional reserves are depleted after spending the day keeping up appearances and meeting external expectations. For children, school is an environment where they navigate new social dynamics, follow rules, and wrap their heads around new concepts—all while trying to stay in the good graces of teachers and peers. It’s a lot. Many days, by the time they get home, something’s got to give. Restraint collapse is that moment when, after holding it together all day at school, they walk through the door and fall apart. It might look like tears over something small, a meltdown over dinner, or an uncharacteristic outburst.
For adults, it’s not so different. After a long day of meetings, deadlines, and navigating workplace dynamics, we might find ourselves snapping at our partner, being impatient with our kids, or turning to behaviors that help us escape. Throughout the day, we often compartmentalize and conceal the full intensity of our emotions to maintain professionalism and meet the demands of our roles in the workplace. By the time we get home, the energy we’ve spent on holding it all together can leave us tapped out.
How Can We Support Ourselves and Our Families?
Make Space: Whether for yourself or your child, having a moment to decompress after the day is crucial. For children, this might mean offering a snack or some quiet time when they walk through the door. For adults, it could mean taking a few minutes to regroup quietly alone before going into full-on ops mode for the dinner and bedtime circus.
Intentionally Connect: At the end of the day, be intentional about connection. For kids, the school day makes for a long stretch of separation. Spending time side-by-side with a caregiver reading, playing a game, or simply talking about their day can go a long way to help them recenter. Adults benefit from connection too. Don’t get so swept up in tasks or calendar events that you don’t check in beyond the surface level with your partner. Set down your phone. Kiss for six seconds. Ask about each other’s day. Then, really listen.
Practice Patience: Recognize that meltdowns or outbursts—whether in your child or in yourself—are often not about the immediate situation but about the cumulative stress of the day. Responding with patience, curiosity, and empathy, rather than frustration, will help both you and your child feel understood and supported.
Open the Lines of Communication: While giving space is important, also make it clear that you’re there to listen. For children, a prompt such as "It seems like today was tough. Do you want to tell me about it?" can open the door for them to express their feelings. For adults, having a sounding board, whether it’s a partner, friend, or therapist, can help process the day’s stresses.
Offer Reassurance: Let your child know that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and that their feelings are valid. Statements like, "It's normal to feel tired after a long day," can go a long way. Similarly, remind yourself that it’s okay to have moments of struggle or overwhelm and that you’re not alone in feeling this way
Establish a Routine: Consistent routines provide a sense of stability and predictability, which can be containing in the midst of change. For children, this might involve a bedtime story or an after-school ritual. For adults, routines like a brief walk-and-talk with a friend, listening to a podcast, or protecting time for a regular workout can create a buffer against the stress of the day. If you work from home, it can be useful to build in artificial commute time for yourself to aid with the transition so you can more clearly separate church and state.
Model Self-Care: Self-care isn’t selfish–it’s self-preservation. It’s a set of practices that are crucial for maintaining your health and happiness. If you’re sick, stressed, and depleted, it will be impossible to show up effectively for those you love. Children learn how to cope by taking cues from the adults in their lives. By attending to your own needs—physical, emotional, social, and spiritual—you show them the importance of doing the same. Take a time-out for some deep breathing when you sense you’re about to snap. Excuse yourself for a gulp of fresh air when things get chaotic in the kitchen and you’re struggling to get dinner on the table. Exercise. Spend time with friends. Date your spouse. The things your kids see you do are the behaviors they’ll start to emulate now and will give themselves permission to engage in later in life.
Looking Back, Moving Forward
As a psychologist, I can now look back at my young, schoolgirl self with a lot of compassion. I wasn’t being difficult. Instead, I was having a normal reaction to a big transition and the stress I felt as a result. I was a good kid having a hard time at the end of a long day. My “bad” behavior when I stepped off the bus was largely the result of a restraint collapse and emotional depletion. It was also a sign of something else that’s important and powerful, too—security. My tears and tantrums were evidence that I knew my home, in the presence of my parents, was the safest place for me to let all parts of myself be seen. We tend not to show our true colors if we don’t feel safe. I trusted, in a deep place, that nothing I could say or do would push my parents away or break our connection. At school, I was conditioned with praise when I was “good.” Home was different. With my parents, I had already learned experientially that acceptance and love weren’t contingent on my performance.
As we settle into the fall season and things seasonally shift, you and your family will eventually find your new rhythm. Soon, the reverberation of restraint collapse reactions in your house won’t be so loud and will feel less intense. In the meantime, your presence, patience, and understanding are the most powerful tools you have to help navigate the storms.
When someone unravels in front of you, reframe the situation. It may not seem pleasant at the time, but at least they trust you enough to drop the pretense. If you’re the one struggling, step back, get curious, and ask, “What else happened to me today that might be intensifying my reaction in the moment? Then, speak kindly to yourself and consider, “What would the best version of myself say and do right now?” Finally, find a small, actionable step you can take to do a micro recharge in the next hour or two. To prevent repeat incidents of restraint collapse, brainstorm what you might do differently to reserve bandwidth for the end of the day.
Whether you’re supporting your child or caring for yourself, remember that every day is an opportunity for growth and learning–through practice, not perfection. Moments of intense emotion, though challenging, are part of adjusting to new environments and experiences–for all of us. With empathy, compassion, and self-awareness, we can better navigate challenges with much-needed grace.
My brother, doubled-over with FOMO.
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If you’re interested in more strategies for strengthening self-awareness and raising your EQ, don’t miss Finding Joy:
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