My son smeared glue on our sweet neighbor girl’s neck this week. His aggressive act left a scratch. I was mortified. As soon as I found out what happened, I picked him up for a pointed conversation. Reece felt guilty, appropriately so. He understood what he did was not acceptable behavior for a member of our family. As we discussed the series of unfortunate events, I knew my job: manage my own anger so that I could connect and then effectively teach, coach, and correct. It was important to me not to allow my own frustration to send him into a shame spiral.
Reece’s playdate behavior was communication. To better understand the situation, I sought context. I inquired about what led up to the incident, and he explained to me that his twin sister and their best friend didn’t seem very interested in his suggestions (directions? demands?) regarding how he thought they should construct a craft together. The girls didn’t share his inspired vision for their fall wreath creation. They didn’t respond to him how he hoped. Enter: hurt, sadness, rejection, being left out. Reece has a five-year-old brain, so his emotional thermometer shot up FAST. Then, he boiled over.
Reece did what many people do when things don’t go their way. He acted out. According to a poll taken just before the pandemic, 84% of people think Americans are angrier than a generation before, and 42% of respondents admitted that they were angrier, too.
Why are we so ticked off? If you ask around, people will tell you it has to do with things like politics, money, or social media. My hot take: we’re more angry because we’re more sad. Worried, too. Much is uncertain in the world right now (though, this is nothing new). Anxious, our brains mobilize us to fight. As I look around, I can’t help but think that perhaps there’s so much anger everywhere because, below the rage, there is so.much.pain.
Anger rarely acts alone. It’s often a “secondary emotion.” Meaning, there’s usually something looming beneath the surface—often a more vulnerable emotional state. If you’re angry, you were probably feeling something else first, even if you didn’t fully realize it.
Next time you’re feeling angry, ask, “What else might I be feeling right now?”
Anger commonly co-exists with:
Helplessness
Disappointment
Depression
Hurt
Humiliation
Insecurity
Sadness
Fear
Grief
Confusion
Shame
Envy
Resentment
To our detriment, anger is often left unexamined. We focus on “bad” behavior but fail to get curious about the root cause. To effectively work through our anger, we need to acknowledge and address the core emotion(s) that set it in motion. What feelings co-exist with it? If we are to collectively curb the aggressive vitriol that continues to bifurcate our society, we need to look deeper.
Our struggle to have a healthy relationship with our anger is not an individual failing. Society hasn’t exactly set us up for success. Some pretty jacked-up socialization about anger has gotten in the way of many of us learning how to use this emotion productively.
“Boys will be boys.” Men tend to have a limited menu of emotions they are encouraged to express openly. Sad? Stop your crying. . . Scared? Don’t be. Boys become adept at emotional suppression early in life. Concealing certain feelings can be the price a child pays to maintain connection with caregivers. Later, this strategy is how they save face with peers. When certain feelings are repeatedly disavowed, boys don’t learn how to use, manage, and communicate a full continuum of their emotions. EQ gets stunted. Mind you, none of these feelings mysteriously disappear—they’re shoved underground and eventually seep through the cracks in other, often unseemly ways. When we don’t let feelings out, they find their own escape.
“Play nice.” Girls, on the other hand, receive little permission to be angry. Nice girls don’t throw tantrums. They accept what is given to them and say thank you in return. In elementary school, a little girl who gets mad will likely be told to be quiet and “smile instead.” Three decades later, in the boardroom, if she has the audacity to speak her mind and challenge the status quo, people roll their eyes, get annoyed, and tell her to stop acting like a bitch. “Good girls” don’t push or make others uncomfortable—even if they’re seething inside. Females know the world doesn’t want to hear or see their anger. When the feeling inevitably surfaces, they’re in a bind. In some instances, they choose to aggress against themselves. Boys act out. Girls act in. Short-term, this strategy can seem less costly. In the long run, it can cost everything. Sometimes, their silent screams are subtle. In other cases, signs of unspoken rage are impossible to miss.
Humans have the capacity to do atrocious things when they’re mad—that doesn’t mean anger itself is bad. Anger, like all of our emotions, is critical to our survival. It plays important functions in our lives and relationships. It’s a valuable source of information. Anger is a signal that something is wrong, there has been an instance of injustice, or something is broken. Anger tells us what we care about. We get angry when our values or priorities are challenged. Anger should mobilize us to take action. To protect, defend, pursue, or stand up.
When people struggle to regulate their anger, they sometimes mistakenly think they should try to be “less angry.” Instead, we should endeavor to be better at getting angry. Learn to be reflective instead of being reactive. Make space between the trigger and your response. Slow things down so you can more thoughtfully choose what to do.
Developing a healthy relationship with anger starts with self-awareness. Identify signs (e.g. thoughts, physical sensations) that you’re beginning to escalate. When you sense your emotional thermometer is starting to rise, pause and ask: “What information is my anger giving me? How can I use it productively?” If you’re already at a boiling point, use “cooling off” strategies to help you re-regulate. Do two minutes of focused, deep breathing. Put a pin in discussions that are ratcheting up and set a time to revisit the issue at hand. Excuse yourself from the room if you need to. Take a quick walk. Get some fresh air if you can.
Importantly, when you’re feeling angry, think about the person you want to be. What does the best version of me do when I am upset? What choices disappoint my future self? Plan ahead of time for what you can do when anger comes to visit. (We tend not to improvise well in a fit of rage.) What will help you ride the wave of your frustration so you won’t regret your behavior when the feeling subsides?
After Reece came unglued, we processed what happened. Next, we mapped out and rehearsed strategies he could use during similar situations going forward. Then, we worked to repair the rupture his behavior created. The night of the incident, we walked hand-in-hand down the street with handwritten apology letters. Reece took ownership. He asked for forgiveness from his friend and apologized to her parents for treating their daughter with disrespect. I couldn’t have been more proud.
Sometimes, in a state of anger, we mess up. When this happens, it’s our responsibility to pick up the broken pieces and paste them back together again as best we can.
We react to anger on a continuum—on the far ends are suppression and explosion. Neither of these extreme responses serves us well. Where do you fall on the spectrum?
How does the way you cope with anger impact relationships in your personal life? At work?
How does the way you typically handle anger impact your self-esteem?
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