We can’t think our way out of feeling, but certain thought patterns can turn our pain into suffering. When we’re in a heightened emotional state, our brain has a tendency to become extra glitchy. Cognitive distortions warp the way we see ourselves, others, our current circumstances, and the future. Be cognizant of the ways your mind can trap you. If you can be self-aware when your internal monologue is leading you astray, you’ll be better positioned to set yourself straight so you can stay on track.
Common thought distortions that wreak havoc in our lives include:
All-or-Nothing Thinking. It requires extra mental effort to hold nuance. It’s easier to split what we see and classify it as good/bad or right/wrong. In life, though, most people and things exist somewhere in-between. It behooves us to use “and” to join seemingly contradictory evaluations. Look for shades of gray and let multiple things be true.
Emotional Reasoning. Your emotions are important sources of information, but they don’t always contain absolute truth. Feeling something doesn’t mean it’s automatically true. You can feel anxious without being in danger. Just because something seems hopeless doesn’t mean it is.
Mindreading. You don’t have magic powers. It is not possible for you to read another human’s mind. Yet, how often do you assume that you know what others are thinking? Most of the stories we tell ourselves about others’ perceptions are projections of our own judgments, fears, and insecurities.
Fortunetelling. Humans are poor forecasters of future events. Still, we often convince ourselves we know how things will unfold. When we’re trying to steel ourselves for the future, the story we spin usually has a negative bent. If we constantly live in the future, we miss the magic of now.
Overgeneralizing. Our brains can mistakenly create patterns out of single events. Extreme statements such as everything, always, never, or nothing are signs that our reactive brushstrokes are too broad. These evaluative statements can quickly amplify our emotions or distress. They distance us from agency and hope. Try to eliminate these extreme qualifiers from your vocabulary. If you use one of these words, notice it and make sure it fits. Treat absolute statements like cursing – pepper it in for maximum effect when it is appropriate. These words lose their power when we throw them around all the time.
Catastrophizing. When we have a hint that something may be going south, we are often quick to imagine the worst possible scenario. We mistakenly believe that if we start to brace for catastrophic impact we will be better prepared for it. Thinking about what may befall us down the road only drains the reserves we will have to respond to future problems. We create undue anxiety when we overestimate the difficulty of future hardship and underestimate our ability to cope with it.
Mental Filtering. Our brain scans our environment for evidence that supports our current beliefs. If something challenges what we think, we are quick to discount it. As we move through life, some of the stories we tell ourselves no longer serve us. To modify these narratives, we need to let new information stick. One of the filters that can be particularly problematic for many people is disqualifying the positive. When we constantly write off the good, it’s hard to be happy.
Personalization. Humans are self-centered creatures. We personalize a lot. In reality, most things that people say and do have little to nothing to do with us. No one is thinking about us as much as we are thinking about ourselves.
We are often quick to blame ourselves for things that aren’t our fault. Taking responsibility for other people’s actions creates a convenient illusion of control. If we are the problem, perhaps we can be the solution. A marker of emotional health is having the capacity to distinguish what is, and is not, within our grasp. An accurate delineation of control allows us take ownership and action where we need to.
Labeling. We struggle to separate people from their behavior. The labels we assign to people skew how we think and feel about them. Statements like “They’re such a _____.” or “I’m a ____.” can become a MadLibs mindgame that can keep us stuck when we use pejorative language in our cognitive appraisals.
Shoulds & Musts. “Should” often precedes shame. When we use words like should, must, or ought we tell ourselves we’ve fallen short or already failed. When we apply “shoulds” to other people, the result is often frustration from broken expectations. The world is not fair. Our standards are not the standards of everyone around us.
“The confidence people have in their beliefs is not a measure of the quality of evidence, but of the coherence of the story that the mind has managed to construct.”
-Daniel Kahneman
To wiggle loose from negative mind traps, step back and self-reflect. Interrupt the automatic. Take a pause to ask some pointed questions. Honest answers may be enough to stop you in your tracks and shift your perspective, and ultimately your emotional trajectory.
If this belief isn’t true, what will it cost me to continue to hold on to it?
How might someone else see this?
What’s the bigger picture? Am I too zoomed in?
Five years from now, when I look back at this situation, might I see it differently? Will I focus on any different part of my experience?
Have I been in this type of situation before? What happened? Is there anything different between this situation and previous ones? What have I learned from prior experiences that could help me now?
What might others see that I can’t (or don’t want to)?
What evidence do I have that this idea might not be true?
What am I dismissing because it doesn’t confirm my current belief or creates cognitive dissonance?
If someone I loved had this thought, what would I tell them?
If someone who loves me heard what I was thinking, what would they say to me?
Am I taking responsibility for something I can’t control?
We don’t choose our feelings, but we get to decide how we respond to them. We don’t have to act on every emotion we experience, nor do we need to believe that everything we think is true. Harnessing the power of our mind will go a long way in determining our destiny.
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