Unlocking Self-Awareness
Are you who you want to be?
Self-awareness starts with self-observation. It involves reflection on our attitudes, feelings, thoughts, and actions. Self-observation isn't easy–slowing and noticing while suspending judgment. The practice requires courage, vulnerability, curiosity, honesty, and a commitment to be better.
How do we build our capacity for self-observation and expand self-awareness? Repetition, practice, and consistency. Have a regular status check with yourself. Pause, step back, and consider these questions:
What is energizing me? When stressors outweigh recharge, it's impossible to perform at your peak. Tabulate restorative activities and what draws on physical, cognitive, emotional, relational, and creative energy reserves. Treat it like a coping equation, and make sure things add up.
What relationships are draining me? Identify who is sucking the life out of you. When this is happening, it's a signal that you need to recalibrate boundaries in your relationship. Where you set your limits is a matter of self-respect. Boundaries are your responsibility. If you don't draw lines, expect the world to make them for you.
When am I experiencing flow? Finding flow is hitting an intense state of immersion in the task at hand. Usually, these activities provide deep joy and satisfaction. When you're in the zone, you know it. The world is wired to fracture our attention, so hitting a flow state is an achievement. It's a sign that you're engaging in something important. If you want to flourish, figure out how to keep finding your way back to flow and make more of it in your life.
How am I wasting my time? People love to complain about being too busy. Yet, most people squander their time with empty, meaningless, and–in some cases–counterproductive activity. How many hours do you spend glued to a screen doomsday scrolling, comparing your life to someone else's, or watching trash tv? Start treating your minutes like they're your most valuable resource. You only get to spend each one once.
Why am I wasting my time? After identifying how you're wasting your time, dig deeper and consider why. What is your distraction-of-choice allowing you to leave unaddressed?
When am I most unhappy? Determine when your mood trends the lowest. What's happening? What are you doing? Think about how you can decrease the amount of time you spend doing those things, in those places, with those people.
What am I trying to avoid? Humans work hard to escape discomfort. What do you not want to face? (Or who?) Avoidance is a short-term strategy, not a long-term solution. Be brave and face the hard things. It's the only way they'll go away. Left unattended, issues tend to get worse.
What is distracting me? Pinpoint what pulls you away and robs you of your ability to be present. If it's your phone, figure out how to put it down. Stowe it in another room if you need to. Your kids are tired of looking at the top of your head. You all deserve better. If you're preoccupied thinking about work, visually place it in a box. Put it on a shelf in your mind to take back down and open up at a more appropriate time. You're not getting paid to ruminate and worry after hours.
Am I running to something or running from something? Starting something new can be exciting. On the surface, making plans or launching a new venture seems great, but it's not always the case. Do a periodic gut-check to ensure that goal-driven activities aren't an attempt to escape something hard instead of facing it head-on.
What is preoccupying me? Is it outside of my control? Sometimes our thinking hits a snag, and our heads start to spin. If you're having a hard time unhooking from a thought or fear, determine whether it's something you can actually do anything about right now. Get clear on what is in and outside of your control today. Reinvest your time and energy on what you can meaningfully change.
Is the intensity of my response commensurate with the current situation? When you have a strong reaction, question whether the magnitude of your response matched the importance of the issue at hand. If you get stirred up over something minor, it's a sign your reaction might be displaced or that a build-up of unmanaged stress and unexpressed emotion is finally breaking through the cracks.
How am I responding to setbacks and disappointment? When we experience challenges, we get to choose how we respond. Treat obstacles as opportunities. Learn and get stronger.
How am I responding to challenging feedback? Taking in critical feedback is hard. No one wants to hear about their shortcomings. When someone points out an area you can improve, listen non-defensively. Be curious. Consider how you can integrate what you've learned.
How am I responding to compliments? Think about your automatic response to praise. Do you instinctually bat it away? When someone is complimentary, resist the urge to tell them why they are wrong. Don't minimize with "it's not a big deal." Say "thank you" instead. Let the good things people say about you sink in.
What do I fear? What is my fear doing to me? Fear comingles with vulnerability, risk, uncertainty, and, sometimes, pain. We need a healthy dose of fear to survive. The goal isn't to get rid of it but to keep it in check. Is your fear holding you back? Make sure your attempts to stay safe aren't keeping you small.
What do I want? What am I doing to get it? Set aside external expectations, "shoulds," and other people's dreams for you. Dial into your desires. Pursue them. Don't expect the universe to drop your dreams in your lap.
Where in my life is self-sabotage masquerading as reward? In a state of depletion, sometimes the things we turn to for comfort undermine our wellbeing. Consider the choices you make right after you tell yourself, "I deserve this. . ." Make sure the things you've "earned" aren't short-term pleasures getting in the way of long-term rewards.
What is the story I'm telling myself? Where is it taking me? Never underestimate the power of your mind. The most powerful stories we listen to are the ones we tell ourselves. We often use our imagination to fill in gaps and construct backstories. Sometimes these narratives aren't true. In these cases, our stories can trigger feelings, drain energy, and drive decisions that don't serve us. Suspend assumptions. Gather information instead.
What is happening when I'm not who I want to be? No one is at their best 100% of the time. Think about the moments where your words and actions aren't congruent with who you want to be. Where are you? Who are you with? What are you feeling? What are you doing? Detail what needs to happen for you to show up differently in those times and places moving forward.
Who is helping me see my blindspots? Somewhere inside us is the knowledge we need to untangle ourselves, but we can't always access it (at least not alone). It's impossible to develop a 360-degree view of yourself without external feedback. Develop relationships with people who have the courage to speak candidly and can help you better understand how you come across to others.
Self-awareness involves slowing down, sitting with ourselves, and owning disquieting aspects of our flawed humanity. When we have the strength to stomach the work, it’s the gateway to growth and change.
"Awareness helps us not panic inside new territory. It steadies us on the untried ground. . . We become curious, which quiets fear. Quieting allows us to brave a few additional new steps." - Mary Jo Peebles
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