The Skill No One Teaches: How to Receive Feedback
Not all feedback is created equal. Learn how to hear it, hold it, and use it.
Everyone talks about giving feedback. Almost no one teaches you how to take it.
Most people say they want feedback. What they usually mean is: “Tell me I’m doing a good job.” But meaningful feedback—the kind that reveals blind spots, challenges assumptions, or pushes us to do better—rarely feels good in the moment. Usually, it stings. And if we're not paying attention, we reject the message before we’ve even understood it.
In the corporate world, there’s a constant drumbeat about how to give good feedback—be specific, timely, actionable, constructive. What we don’t talk about enough is how to receive feedback without shutting down, getting defensive, or quietly spiraling.
Unfortunately, we’re wired to interpret feedback as a threat, especially when it’s unexpected or hits uncomfortably close to home. But if you’re serious about growth, developing the skill of receiving feedback is crucial.
Start by Knowing What You’re Dealing With
All feedback is not created equal. Categorizing it helps you make sense of what you’re hearing—which can inform how to best respond.
There are three primary types of feedback:
Appreciation – “I see you.” This is about acknowledgment, gratitude, and emotional fuel.
Coaching – “Here’s how you might improve.” This aims to help you grow, tweak, or stretch your performance.
Evaluation – “Here’s where you stand.” It tells you how you measure up against expectations, goals, or peers.
Confusing one type for another is where problems start. You might interpret coaching as criticism. Or expect appreciation but get evaluation instead. Naming the type can help you engage with the feedback more cleanly.
Disentangle the ‘What’ from the ‘Who’ and the ‘How’
One of the fastest ways feedback gets derailed is when we fixate on who delivered it—or how—instead of what was actually said.
Was the delivery a little sharp? Maybe.
Was it your boss, a micromanager who kind of annoys you? Possibly.
Did they get the tone wrong or catch you off guard? Sure.
But even if the how or who feels off, it doesn’t mean the what isn’t worth considering.
You don’t have to like the messenger. You don’t have to love the packaging. The question is: Is there something here I can use? You are the one who stands to lose if you don’t dig deep, swallow your pride, and summon the courage to ask this question.
A Framework for Receiving Feedback Gracefully
Here’s a simple, flexible framework for staying grounded when feedback comes your way. Having a process helps you move from reactivity to reflection—and eventually to action.
1. Make Space
When someone gives you feedback, you don’t need to respond immediately. Take a beat. Breathe. You might say, “Thanks for sharing that—I want to take some time to think about what you said.”
2. Take Stock of Your Emotions
Notice what’s coming up for you. Is it anger, shame, confusion, embarrassment, or something else? Don’t ignore what you’re feeling. Don’t over-identify with it, either.
3. Say, “Thank You”
Even if the feedback stung. Even if you think they’re wrong. Say thank you. Someone took the time to share something that could help you improve. Thanking someone doesn’t mean you agree everything they said. It signals that you’re capable of hearing hard things and makes it more likely people will tell you the truth in the future.
4. Get Curious
Shift from “That’s wrong!” to “Can you tell me more?” Ask follow-up questions. “Can you give me an example?” “What made you think that?”
5. Ask, “What’s Right?”
Not, “Is it right?” Instead, ask: “What could be right about what they shared with me?” Even if 80% feels off, is there 20% that’s useful? Something you hadn’t thought about before? Something uncomfortable but true? As you look ahead, consider: “If what this person said is accurate, how will it affect me in the future if I don’t make a change? What are the consequences?”
6. Give Yourself a Second Score
You probably already have an opinion on how well you performed. But there’s another score worth tracking: how well did you receive the feedback? Did you stay open? Ask questions? Experience your emotions without letting them overpower you? (That second score is a better predictor of long-term growth than any traditional performance metric.)
Receiving feedback non-defensively isn’t easy. It requires self-regulation, humility, and a thick skin. But it’s also one of the clearest paths to growth and success.
Most people won’t do it well. That’s what makes it a competitive edge.
If you liked this post, spread the Joy and share it with someone else!
If you’re interested in more strategies for strengthening self-awareness and raising your EQ, don’t miss Finding Joy:
For more of my musings on love, life, and work, you can follow me on X and Linked In.