The Psychology of Inevitable Envy

Can we stop pretending that we don’t compare ourselves to other people?

In life, envy is inevitable.  The social media zeitgeist we live in amplifies it.  When you look around (or scroll down), you can’t not compare.  Envy is a basic human experience.  On a fundamental level, envy is linked to a drive for survival.  Yet, it is socially unacceptable to admit aloud that we experience it.  Instead, we often deny or disavow it.   We are more comfortable owning competitive impulses.  Still, admitting we want what someone else has is more taboo than expressing a desire to win.

It is important to understand that having feelings of jealousy or envy doesn't mean you are a terrible person or have an evil, covetous heart.  Experiencing these emotions is simply a sign you’re human. 

The term envy is often used interchangeably or confused with jealousy.  Jealousy and envy are two distinct emotional experiences.  By definition, jealousy means that you have some advantage and feel entitled to its continued, usually exclusive, possession. Someone or something threatens to take advantage from you.  In contrast, envy tells you there’s a difference between what you have and what you want.

Envy is a complicated human experience. When you start perceiving that someone has an advantage you do not, the other person gains the upper hand. If someone else is in a more favorable position, what happens to you? You perceive yourself as inferior. No one appreciates feeling smaller, less attractive, or inadequate. Consequently, envy can be a depressing and humiliating ordeal.  When a competitor’s advantage creates mental misery, you may begin to resent them or wish they didn't have what they do.  “If I can’t have it, I’m not sure I want you to have it either.”

Jealousy and envy have been a part of the human condition since the beginning of time.  These emotions can drive people to do some extreme things – to others and themselves.  On a basic level, envy and competition are about survival.  If something else has something – is there any left for you? 

In Biblical times, Joseph's brothers sold him to a party of Ishmaelites because they wanted his coat.  I don’t know about you and your sibling relationships, but I did some pretty awful things to my little brother.  I was quite envious of the attention showered on him when he showed up and started staring in our little family drama. Still, I never considered auctioning him off to a foreign enemy when he got a new outfit for his birthday. 

Jealousy and envy are the captivating tension in our entertainment and have been for a long time.  In Othello, Shakespeare used jealousy to run characters' lives.  Today, Housewives and The Bachelor would lose emotional fuel and entertainment value if they were void of jealousy and envy.  We can't stop reading or watching storylines of jealousy and envy because, perhaps, on some level, we relate. 

People frequently think of jealousy and envy in the context of romantic relationships.  A boyfriend who forbids his girlfriend from talking to other men, for instance.  A person who can’t stand to see an ex post pictures with a new partner on social media. But the feelings can occur in almost every type of human relationship—from siblings competing for parental attention to coworkers trying to impress a respected boss.

Just as sure as Murphy eventually move in on you, we can count on the green-eyed monster visiting, too.  What do you do when it happens?  You have a choice:  you can let it poison or propel you.

Managing Envy and Jealousy with Mindfulness

We don't have to pretend that jealousy and envy aren't part of being human.  You can use mindfulness to help you manage. Mindfulness techniques help you pay attention to your thoughts and feelings as they come up without judging or criticizing them. Increasing self-awareness around your experiences of jealousy and envy can help you notice any patterns and identify common triggers for the reactions.

Mindfulness can help you feel more comfortable with your emotions. For example, it can help you notice and accept your jealous feelings for what they are — part of your emotional experience — and move on. Not judging the jealousy, or yourself for feeling it, can help keep it from affecting you negatively.

Keeping Jealousy in Check

You can allow your jealousy to take you to a place of mistrust and control in relationships.  It can stifle generosity.  It can come at the expense of struggling to build a supportive community.  If you are too worried about protecting and defending what is yours, you won’t let anyone get too close.   Missing out on relationships and the opportunities that often flow from them is a high price to pay. 

Flip the script on the feeling. 

Notice you’re jealous.  Understand that this feeling is surfacing because you want to protect a good thing you have going for you.  Be curious about why you might feel threatened.  Use jealousy as a cue to practice gratitude.  Say to yourself, "I have something worth defending that I don't want to lose.  I’m grateful that I have something that is this valuable.”

Practice an opposite-action strategy.

The opposite action skill is a deliberate attempt to act OPPOSITE of your emotional urge. If your emotions are doing more harm than good, act in reverse.  Worried about someone taking something from you? Try sharing.

What do we do with envy?

We don't choose our feelings, but we choose what we do with them.    You can let envy cause bitterness and resentment.  You can stop being a team player.  You can decide to be a victim, stomp your feet, tantrum, and tell yourself that life isn’t fair.  Those are all options—but none of them will ultimately move you forward or help you achieve bigger things in your life. 

A scarcity mindset exacerbates envy.  We mistake many things in life as zero-sum games. Someone else having something doesn’t always mean that you can’t have it too.  In some cases, you may need to be patient and wait.  In some situations, you may need to consider whether you need to make some different choices so you can have what someone else has already worked to achieve.

Learn to use envy productively. Allow it to inspire you to become a better version of your current self. Let it mobilize and move you to pursue the things you want.

Consider the full picture.

In life, we make assumptions with imperfect information. Envy sometimes develops in response to a partial picture. You might be comparing yourself to an idealized or incomplete view of someone else.

No matter who you are or what you have, there will always be someone who has more.  People often see the "more" and want it, but they don't always know the realities of the life that accompanies it.  Everyone you encounter is living a different kind of hard.  Often, we are entirely unaware of what that "version" really is in the people we pass by.  Most people you see are living some kind of story you know nothing about.  The next time you notice that you are starting to turn green with envy, bring this back to mind.

Remember:  People are envious of you, too.

You and your life are the objects of other peoples' desire.  There are many people, many places who would kill to have what you do.  Lots of individuals would like your current job, salary, and education.  Countless people in this world would happily drive your car into your garage, walk into your house, and eat the food stocked in your kitchen if they could.  Some individuals really wish they could be your age or your weight. Remembering these often-overlooked truths can help you from taking an envious mental detour to a destructive place. 

Let competition and comparison spur you to create the life you want.  In the meantime, want the life you have. 

Should someone else read this?

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