The Dance We Do: Yours, Mine, and Ours
In relationships, it's not a matter of "if" conflict happens but "when."
Most dances involve four feet. Inevitably, two imperfect partners will step on one another’s toes. When you’re in a relationship with another human, it’s not a matter of “if” conflict happens but “when.”
Dynamics in relationships are co-created. Unfortunately, many people struggle to take self-reflective ownership when problems arise. Instead, they blame. Accusation is often unbalanced and tends to skew in one of two directions: in or out.
Self-blame – The Inside Job
Some individuals respond to discord with a reflexive “it’s my fault” reaction. Internalized criticism and repeated experiences of being shamed can lead to an assumption that the self is the common denominator when there is trouble. If on some level, someone sees themselves as defective – he/she/they become the reason that things break. Self-blame can also create an illusion of control. When people believe “I am the problem,” it seems to stand to reason that they can be the solution, even though this is not always the case. In the end, the only thing we control is ourselves. It be a scary prospect in relationships when we bring, vulnerably, all of our humanity to bear.
That Thing You Do
It’s more comfortable to point a finger than look in a mirror. Owning how marred we are is difficult. Admitting mistakes is hard. Conflict can elicit fast-twitch blame. When there’s trouble, people often start sentences with, “You. . .” instead of stepping back, self-reflecting, and first considering what would follow the statement “I. . .” It can be easy, especially in a heightened emotional state, to become fixated on someone else’s flaws. When things go wrong, looking at the other party’s shortcomings is easy to do but does little to help resolve what is going on.
Understanding Contribution
Conflict impacts partnerships of all kinds in lots of different places. Issues tend to arise most frequently and with the most fervor at home and at work. You may pick a fight with someone at in the aisle Trader Joe’s, but more often than not, supermarket skirmishes don’t stick with us too terribly long or disrupt our lives in significant ways. There tends to be more fire between two people the more they care about one another. The more vested the relationship, the more is at stake. Additionally, we often unconsciously experience a greater degree of safety in close relationships to bring our darker sides to relational spaces. People are often their best selves in public and sometimes struggle to hold it together behind closed doors.
Figuring out how to get better at fighting is an underrated skill. One of the most powerful questions individuals can ask themselves when experiencing interpersonal tension is to ask, “How am I participating in what is happening here?” Own contribution without placing blame. When we do this, we are in an empowered place to interrupt a downward spiral. When someone does or says or something we don’t like, it behooves us to be curious instead of reactive. It is a powerful empathic step to consider what may be happening in someone’s heart and mind that drove them to make a specific choice. Next we can ask, “Where was I in this interaction immediately before the other person triggered me?”
Having healthy relationships is hard. In every dissatisfying dynamic, we should examine what we are doing that potentially triggers, accelerates, or amplifies strife. A key to interpersonal success is developing the ability to distinguish the difference between “mine,” “yours,” and “ours.” When we own what is “mine” without taking responsibility for “yours” we can create a far more satisfying “ours.”
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