Rules of the Game
How you respond to someone else’s success says a lot about you.
On Tuesday, my kids woke up with butterflies in their bellies. The day they had eagerly waited fifty-two weeks for had finally arrived. It was Field Day at school. Reece and Grace had “trained” all year in hopes of securing a ribbon in one of the running events. The night before the festivities, they were abuzz with anticipation at the dinner table. Hopes were high, so my husband and I made a concerted effort to talk through contingencies. We reviewed what it looks like to win graciously. We also practiced responses in the event that one or both of them didn’t place. It was our best attempt at emotional inoculation in preparation for the next day.
I’m fiercely competitive by nature. I love to win, but I’m not always going to. Neither will my kids. When that happens, I want them to have the skills to lose well so they don’t get derailed.
In life, what do I want to teach my kids about the Rules of the Game?
The real prize is the pursuit. “It doesn’t matter if you win or lose; it’s how you run the race.” This is easy to say but harder to live out. The prize at the finish line isn’t the most important part of your endeavor—the real glory is in the pursuit. As humans, we often overestimate how happy an end goal will make us. So, make sure the journey itself includes some joy. Hard work. Determination. Struggle. Overcoming obstacles. Doing things you didn’t think were possible. These things are the “real” prize.
Outcome is not identity. Losing doesn’t make you a loser. How you place isn’t reflective of who you are. It’s simply a snapshot of your performance at one point in time. Also, focus on your multidimensionality. A single activity, interest, or role doesn’t define everything about you.
Celebrate other people’s wins. How you respond to someone else’s success says a lot about you. Do you encourage and uplift or undercut and sabotage? When we’re in the shadow of someone’s victory, it’s natural to experience envy, but the key is to make sure it doesn’t become malicious. When you want something someone else has, be inspired. Treat their success as a challenge, not a threat. We go further, faster if we direct our energy toward our own pursuits instead of disparaging someone who is doing well.
Find “freudenfreude” friends. Surround yourself with people who want you to win. In German, there is a term for when people derive joy and delight from other peoples’ achievements: freudenfreude. Eventually, some people will likely be threatened by your success. It is a direct reflection of their own insecurity. Cultivate relationships with people who will cheer you on, no matter what. People who will push and challenge you to reach your full potential. People who won’t let you settle, even (especially) when you want to quit.
Field Day 2024 was everything my kids dreamed it would be. Grace ran with grit and gumption. Reece secured two red ribbons. There was determination and disappointment. Victory. Pride. Rain, mud, and fun. At the end of the afternoon, the gelato truck arrived (so, really, everyone won). As my kids pushed themselves and cheered their friends on, more was happening than games on a plot of grass. They were practicing for life.
“Stop winning so loud!”
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