Lasting love isn't flash-in-the-pan passion. It's enduring commitment. Having healthy relationships is hard work. It takes more than an occasional dinner out to celebrate an anniversary or box of chocolates on Valentine's Day to keep love alive. Choosing who I married has proven to be one of the single most important decisions of my life. Our partnerships have the power to amplify the good and beautiful. They also have the potential to create destruction and heartache.
The Calculus of Successful Relationships
Successful relationships aren't about keeping score. Partnership isn't about yours and mine or IOU and you-owe me. It's a subtler form of math that adds up to magic. Too often, couples get distracted (and derailed) by what is "fair and equal." Transactional dynamics in relationships emerge when people don't trust that someone will meet their needs. No relationship will be a clean 50/50 split 100% of the time. Life doesn't work like that. We all go through seasons where we have more to give and others when we need to lean a little extra on those around us. The key is to go all-in, all the time. Put all of your best fully behind your partner. When this happens, they are naturally more inclined to do the same. In this, all parties are supported. Success, then, isn't zero-sum. It's shared.
Toxic Traits
If your relationship is floundering, identify what is driving disconnection. Psychologists John & Julie Gottman have devoted their careers to studying thousands of couples. Their research and clinical work taught them a lot about what works and where things tend to go wrong. The Gottmans have identified four relationship patterns highly predictive of divorce: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. If any of these sound familiar, take heart. You are not doomed if you recognize any or all of these dynamics in your partnership. Couples willing to work to repair their relationships are never beyond hope. Interpersonal skills can be learned and strengthened over time, and couples can develop more effective ways of engaging with each other.
Criticism
Complaints can be counterproductive when we aren't thoughtful about how we voice our concerns. Humans aren't criticized into better behavior. If you have an issue with something someone said or did, critique a specific behavior or situation instead of the person. Stay away from sweeping judgment statements.
"You always talk about yourself. Why are you so selfish?" can be transformed into "I'm feeling frustrated and ignored. It doesn't seem like there's space for me in our conversation, but I need to vent. Can we please talk about my day too?"
Start with "I feel" and lead into "I need" with a respectful request to fulfill the need. This response is free of blame or criticism, which helps prevent the conversation from escalating into an argument.
Contempt
Contempt is corrosive. It is possibly one of the most destructive forces in relationships and is most predictive of divorce. When someone is speaking from a place of contempt, they look down with disregard from a position of moral superiority. If contempt were a facial expression, it would be an ugly sneer. Contempt can include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. To conquer contempt, couples need to create a culture of appreciation and respect. Make a concerted effort to express gratitude regularly. When your partner gets it right, say it out loud and often, even for the small things. These positive relational deposits can help buffer against negative feelings when inevitable challenges do crop up. If you're having a problem, instead of speaking with contempt, make a respectful request and punctuate it with a statement of appreciation.
Contempt says: "You forgot to pick up diapers again? Ugh. Can't you do anything around here? I guess I need to keep doing everything myself if I want to make sure it gets done!" + *eye roll* A more effective strategy sounds like, "I understand that you have a lot on your mind with everything going on at work, but can you please remember to pick up the diapers tomorrow on your way home? We're almost out. I'd really appreciate it."
Start by expressing understanding to increase receptivity to a message. In this second example, the partner refrains from making a contemptuous statement, but instead, shows that they understand the forgotten errand wasn't an act of aggression or laziness.
Defensiveness
In our relationships, we use defensive walls to self-protect. Defensiveness is often triggered by criticism and can be a way to volley blame. The overarching message of a defensive response is, "The problem is you, not me." This kind of attitude amplifies conflict. To diffuse defensiveness, partners need to commit to taking ownership and responsibility for their participation in the matter at hand.
A defensive reaction sounds like, "It's not my fault that the cost of the flights doubled. You were supposed to book them last month." An alternative would be, "I don't like paying this much for flights and am frustrated we're using this much of our vacation budget on this trip. I was counting on you to book the flight but could have checked in with you to confirm that you would be making the reservations right after our conversation."
Be honest about your feelings and assert your position while acknowledging how you helped co-create the current situation. You can take ownership without letting your partner abscond responsibility and letting them off the hook. Talking about participation instead of playing the blame game positions you to work toward resolution.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one party shuts down or becomes unresponsive to their partner. It can happen when someone is feeling flooded or emotionally overwhelmed. To cope, a person opts to withdraw, stop talking, and disengage. When this happens, a person is experiencing a physiological hijacking that gets in the way of emotional processing and effective communication. In these instances, the best thing for everyone is to take a time out. Agree to table the topic at hand for a short period of time (at least 20 minutes) to allow your nervous system to recalibrate before reengaging with each other. During the "pause," opt for activities that distract and self-soothe. Think about how to engage your senses to ground you: read, listen to music, exercise, drink a hot cup of tea, etc. Commit to coming back to the conversation with a calm body and clear head.
Be The Right Person
Intimate partnerships refract the most unsightly parts of ourselves (even when we're fully dressed). Selfishness. Impatience. Arrogance. Life will throw a lot of hard stuff at you during the course of a relationship. When it does, these challenges will either break your bond or leave you stronger. How it plays out will be determined by the person you decide to be and the foundation your team has built together.
The quality of our lives is contingent—in large part—on the quality of our relationships. It behooves us to become lifelong students at learning how to be better at loving. I often advise clients who are contemplating the shift from "shopping" to "settling down" that you reach a tipping point where the focus needs to turn from "finding the right person" to "being the right person." You are the *only* force you control. Your words, attitude, and actions can change the tide of your relationship, for better or worse. When it comes to interrupting negative cycles and relationship spirals, someone has to start. There's no reason that can't be you.
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