Cupid is February’s poster child. We've purchased many a Hallmark card and bought a narrative that a naked cherub punctures the hearts of unsuspecting sweethearts. People lucky enough to be pierced by the pudgy baby’s arrows fall truly, madly, deeply. They sip champagne and enjoy heart-shaped chocolates in a bubble bath every twelve months.
Or do they?
People anticipate their relational lives will follow the predictable story arc they watch in movies: enough farce to keep it fun followed by happily-and-easily-ever-after. We like nice, neat love stories. But, actually, love is more complex. Real-life amore is less of a romcom and more of a drama. Broken trust. Conflict. Shattered expectations. In the reality show of love, you don't get a script. You have to improvise, live – interacting with another imperfect character. No player is promised a happy ending.
Ancient Greek poets scripted sonnets calling cupid's first shots. He later became Valentine’s Day Gerber Baby during the Hellenistic era. The Greek god of love—Eros— was a dapper immortal who shot dating darts. He played with men's emotions, using golden arrows to rouse love and leaden ones to incite aversion. “I adore you, and sometimes you drive me absolutely mad” doesn’t seem like Greek mythology to me. It sounds like many marriages.
What does it take to find and keep a soulmate? You come to love and prevent falling out of it via self-regard, self-awareness, discomfort, and intention.
Self-Regard
Self-regard has a direct impact on relational life. The first part of making a love life is attraction. To find a suitable match, you need to be square on who you are and what you’re worth. You can’t expect anyone to spend a lifetime treating you better than you treat yourself. Discovering who you are is a challenging process but worthwhile pursuit. A clear identity gives you a better shot at accurately discerning compatibility with another person.
Devotion is grounded in security. Other people can’t complete you. Irvin Yalom said this of love:
“Mature caring flows out of one’s richness, not out of one’s poverty—out of growth, not out of need. One does not love because one needs the other to exist, to be whole, to escape overwhelming loneliness. One who loves maturely has met these needs at other times, in other ways, not the least of which was the maternal love which flowed toward one in the early phases of life. Past loving, then, is the source of strength; current loving is the result of strength.”
Self-awareness
Self-awareness is the precursor to passion. If you are serious about relationship success, you must master the ability to identify and label your emotions. All of your feelings have functions. There is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” emotion. Some may be more or less comfortable, but they are each sending you valuable signals. Pay attention to them. Your feelings give you important cues about what you should do as you interact with others. Guilt may be a sign that a wrong has occurred and needs to be repaired. Anxiety is a signal that there may be danger ahead, and you need to protect yourself. Anger can mobilize you to take action when something bad has happened. Accurately identifying and labeling your emotions is essential for the next step in a healthy communication loop: sharing your experience with others. Expressing emotional responses effectively helps build better relationships.
Discomfort
In great relationships, expect friction. You won’t have ecstasy without it. If you want a healthy relationship, get comfortable with conflict. Many individuals won’t tolerate interpersonal dissonance for a sustained period of time. People use avoidance, compartmentalization, denial, rationalization, and procrastination to distance themselves from unpleasant truths. These self-protective strategies may appear to work in the short term but are not permanent solutions. If you want your relationship to thrive, don’t favor temporary comfort over long-term success. When conflict isn’t addressed, problems get bigger. Issues swept under the rug eventually cause you to trip. Unspoken reactions don’t disappear—often, grudges grow instead. Resentment is corrosive, relational rust.
Intention
Healthy relationships don't just happen. Intimacy requires intention. The person you choose to love needs your engagement. We don't age out of a need for attention. Connection can’t flourish if you aren't investing in your partner through time, thought, and deed. Relationships are living organisms that cannot survive outside of the right conditions. They die, fast and slow.
Having healthy relationships requires hard work. Life snaps cupid’s brittle arrows. Sometimes golden darts of infatuation pierce but break off. Rapture isn't enough. Little lead spears of everyday annoyance and disdain cause pain. Address it, and choose to cherish.
Flowers wilt.
Chocolates melt.
Make love that endures.
Should someone else read this?
To ensure that you don’t miss more posts like this one:
If there is someone in your life who may be interested in things like better sleep, improved relationships, managing stress, and becoming more self-aware invite them to the inbox party. The invitation may be the gentle nudge needed to help improve their EQ.