Great Expectations
When it comes to standards – what we say to ourselves and require of others matters.
From our first days on earth, our baby brains work to figure out how to anticipate how the world will respond to us. We attach and learn to interact with others accordingly. Our early relational experiences set the stage for what we learn to expect from others. Over time, we develop a set of standards for ourselves, too.
Sometimes we get what we expect. In the cases we don’t, the emotional jolt of those experiences mark us. The sharp shards of shattered expectations hurt. Often, these experiences alter how we think about ourselves and approach others in the future. Experiences of disappointment, betrayal, surprise, loss, and reward modify our expectations.
Painfully high and pessimistically low expectations can be equally problematic in our lives and relationships. Repeatedly falling short of expectations can create disillusionment. It can lead to discouragement and eventual despondence. Conversely, if your standards are in the basement, you may end up stuck there.
Expectations of Self
Expectations of ourselves are often a barometer of self-esteem and confidence. Beliefs about our capabilities combine with past performance and feedback we’ve previously received to create a framework for what we forecast personal possibility to be. People who have internalized perfectionistic messages may hold unrealistic standards and set themselves up to forever fall short. These individuals often suffer and self-flagellate because nothing is ever “enough.” Others set a ceiling on achievement because they buy into a skewed identity of incapability that stymies agency, creativity, and initiative.
Expectations of Others
Lowering the bar of expectations of others is a common form of self-protection. The narrative that accompanies relational armor is, “If I don’t expect much, the pain won’t be as intense when you don’t deliver what I want and need from you.” Repeated experiences of disappointment can be psychologically devastating. To temper this hurt, people try to require less of others. The conundrum is that often people deliver what we ask of them. In many circumstances, little more. Our expectations become the accepted standard. We teach people how to treat us. Repeatedly giving people a pass for mistreatment or mediocrity sends a message of permission. If you want more from people, require it.
Our lives are loops of self-fulfilling prophecies. When it comes to standards – what we say to ourselves and expect from others matters. As you calibrate expectations, rely on realism and account for human fallibility in your calculus. Aim high, but exercise thoughtful grace when assessing an outcome. If you or someone else falls short, compassionately consider why.
Should someone else read this?
Don’t miss pure-signal-no-noise posts like this one:
If there is someone in your life who would benefit from things like better sleep, improved relationships, strategies for managing stress, and becoming more self-aware invite them to the inbox party. Finding Joy may be the gentle nudge they need to help improve their EQ.
For more of my musings, you can connect with me on Twitter, IG, and Linked In.