Good Enough
I wasn't a mom when I went through graduate school, but as a student, I learned an important concept about caregiving I never forgot: the "'Good Enough' Mother." It was a phrase introduced by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott. He reassured caregivers that children don't need perfect parents in to flourish and thrive. Instead, youngsters need an environment where basic emotional and physical needs are met with consistency a majority of the time. Infrequent lapses in attunement or responsiveness won't break a kid. Instead, they represent opportunities for children to develop frustration tolerance, self-sufficiency, and the skills to self-soothe. It turns out you don’t need to be a Pinterest mom to raise a well-adjusted kid.
Early in my career, I was encouraged to apply the idea of the “‘Good Enough’ Mother” to my clinical work. I still think about it frequently today. As I sat and dissected some of my "mistakes" as a baby therapist, supervisors reminded me that the goal in the treatment room was "good enough" not "flawless."
As a psychologist, I don't get things right every time. I say the wrong things. I frustrate, disappoint, and let down. I make plenty of mistakes, Yet, my humanity doesn't inhibit transformation in my clients' lives. When I mess up, they get to strengthen new skills—confrontation, assertiveness, and speaking honestly about their reactions. They get to practice having hard conversations with me. My missteps also create opportunities for me to model humility and self-compassion.
Over time, clients see my baseline for behavior and learn to trust my intent. They know my standards. When I deviate from them from time to time, it doesn't completely shake what they know to be true about me. The Good Enough Joy framework applies to my clients and my children, too. In a world that puts immense pressure on people to be perfect, it's my hope that these people I care about—my littles and the patients who entrust me with their stories—can, over time, internalize my "enoughness." It's a rare, powerful message we seldom see in action.
Moving your aim from "perfection" to "good enough" doesn't mean you settle, give up, or get a pass for hurtful behavior. Instead, the recalibration of internal expectations shifts how we respond to ourselves. In the moments where our fallible humanity is on full display and we summon self-compassion, we grant unspoken permission for others to extend this same grace to themselves. Self-flagellation after setbacks does little to inspire corrective change. It just leaves you drained. We are more interpersonally effective when we repair ruptures in our relationships instead of being swallowed by shame.
I want to remind you today of three things the world rarely does:
You have enough.
You're doing enough.
You are enough.
The frenetic pursuit of perfection comes at a cost. It crushes you and sends a dangerous message to everyone watching: if I’m not good enough, you probably aren’t either. Conversely, the freedom people experience when they find their "enough" is profound. It happens when we no longer allow allowing performative pressure and a need to please dictate what we do. We choose enough when stop comparing. When we declare "enough," we take back control.
The people who depend on you don't need your perfection—they want your authenticity. If you can be honest and accepted in all of your humanity, perhaps they can be too.
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