Chatter.
The most powerful story you listen to is the one you tell yourself.
You can't criticize your way to self-improvement. Shame isn't motivating. It tanks your drive, energy, and creativity When the story that you are telling yourself is disparaging, you shut down. Still, many people try to berate their way to behavior change. It's ineffective and counterproductive. If you're serious about transformation, learn to replace criticism with compassion.
If you're like many people, you spend your days talking to yourself in a way that you wouldn't dream of speaking to anyone else. Yet, you expect yourself to perform flawlessly while your self-critic screams at you with little reprieve.
When you're stuck in a self-destructive headspace you often:
Talk in extremes
Ruminate repeatedly over mistakes
Fear failure
Tell yourself that you should have done more
Self-scrutinize and overanalyze
Imagine others are judging and thinking negatively about you
That's a heavy mental load.
People default to self-scrutiny if they've never learned the art of self-compassion. We can't expect to know how to do something if no one has taught us the skills. Scaffolding for criticism starts early. A parent's voice becomes a child's self-talk. If your caregivers were harsh, you've likely internalized their ways of relating to yourself. Without praise and affirmation, there's little foundation on which an emerging adult can form a strong sense of self. Growing up in a critical milieu as a child doesn't allow someone to learn the requisite language for self-motivation, encouragement, and reassurance.
Some people fall into the trap of believing they need to be self-critical to maintain their edge. They fear they will slack if their inner taskmaster takes a break from telling them that nothing they do is ever good enough. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Constantly listening to the noise of this narrative is stressful. Under these conditions, people can't reach their full potential. Compassion won't make you complacent. It will open up new possibilities as you tap into a well of courage and develop confidence.
Self-compassion involves three components:
Recognize when you're stressed or struggling without being judgmental or overreacting
Be supportive, gentle, and understanding with yourself when you're struggling
Don’t lose sight of the fact that everyone makes mistakes sometimes
Compassion isn't soft. It helps you be sturdy. Think: brave, strong, fair, and wise. It's not a way to let yourself off the hook. It isn't self-pity, self-indulgence, or making excuses for bad behavior. It's not a Pollyanna mindset that ignores problems. Instead, compassion is recognizing strengths while identifying opportunities to improve. When you exercise compassion, you take ownership for your behavior while accepting yourself in your flawed humanity.
Self-compassion doesn't come naturally to most people. It's a practice that takes time and effort. To build this skill, start with self-awareness. Notice what you say to yourself. To upgrade your words, you must first become aware of the ones you are currently choosing. Next, find a new voice. If it's hard for you to flip your script, channel someone in your life that builds you up. Imagine what they might say. Embody how they interact with you. You can also consider what you might say to someone else in your position. Often it's easier to access kindness for others.
When you replace criticism with compassion, you unlock potential. Don’t create your own ceiling through the way you talk to yourself—be careful about the words you choose.
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