February is the month for heart-shaped candies and Hallmark cards, but every month is about relationships. They are one of the single most powerful forces in our lives. The quality of our lives is largely contingent on the quality of our relationships. Figuring out how to have healthy ones matters—a lot.
One of the reasons that prompt many people to start psychotherapy is relationship problems. Usually, when people describe their interpersonal challenges, I hear patterns. Our relationships tend to be variations on a theme. Because wherever we go, there we are. "Why do I keep doing this?" “Why do I keep coming back to this kind of person?" The answer? It may sound cliche, but it usually starts with our parents.
Psychologist and researcher Jonathan Shedler explains, "Our earliest attachments create the templates for subsequent relationships. With the result that we repeat relationship patterns throughout our lives. Because they are present from the beginning, our patterns may be as invisible to us as water is to a fish." Our first relational experiences live forever in our neural circuitry. Things that happened in our brains before we could even talk, play out in our relationships for the rest of our lives. The first things that fire together, wire deep.
Infants are helpless. They instinctively know who they rely on to survive. Because infants must adapt, they will adapt. They calculate what they must do to maintain connections with caregivers. Children are constantly trying to figure out, "Will you leave? Will you come back? Do you care? Will you hurt me or help me feel better?" An infant develops a sense of security when a caregiver is attuned to their cues. A child learns to trust when parents are dependable and reliably respond to their needs.
At times, circumstances between caregivers and their children are less than ideal. Most parents are doing the best they can at any given time, but the resources they have to work with vary significantly. Some parents have unresolved trauma, mental health challenges, or personal struggles that get in the way of reacting to their young children with reliable empathy.
Early experiences in life set the stage for different "attachment patterns" that we carry with us long after we leave our first home. Attachment influences how individuals tolerate closeness and separation, handle conflict, experience intimacy, and communicate their wishes and needs. It affects what we expect from other people in relationships. Attachment drives how we hold people hostage or push them away. It impacts whether we respond with adaptive flexibility when confronted with life's complex, often difficult circumstances.
A significant body of psychological research has been devoted to the topics of infant and adult attachment. The schools of investigation are separate but related. To help you understand a bit more about the concept, I'm going to blend some terminology from the categorizations that academics have used. Estimates suggest that about 50% of the population falls into the "secure" category" while 20% of people exhibit anxious traits, 25% act more avoidant, and a small subset exhibit more severe disorganized behaviors. I suspect you will be able to see yourself (and perhaps your partner) in one of four descriptions:
SECURE
People with a secure attachment style are generally adept at managing their emotions and are connected to a sense of personal agency. Their inner thoughts and feelings match their emotional expressions and behavior. Secure individuals have the courage to be creative and take calculated risks. Relationally, they have the capacity to develop deep, meaningful connections with others but are comfortable during periods when they are alone, too. Securely attached adults trust others and are resilient in the face of adversity.
ANXIOUS/PREOCCUPIED
People with an anxious/preoccupied attachment style are often flooded by their emotions. Psychologist Diana Fosha aptly described that people who are anxious/preoccupied can “feel (and often reel) but struggle to deal.” They work hard to read other people but are often emotionally overactivated, making them prone to misinterpreting cues, jumping to conclusions, and overreacting. Interpersonally, they may seem desperate in their bids to avoid disconnection from others. They might describe themselves as "incomplete" when they are not in a relationship. Individuals who are anxious/preoccupied often dislike being alone; some would rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. If you've ever called someone "clingy," they likely fall into this camp. These individuals are often plagued by self-doubt, and their self-esteem tends to be unstable. They often crave praise and rely heavily on external feedback to form their sense of self. People who are anxious/preoccupied may have an endless need for reassurance in relationships. "Are we okay?" "Do you really like me?" “Are you mad at me?” Are you sure?!” A partner can repeat themselves over and over, but often their loving responses don’t seem to stick. People with this attachment pattern tend to perceive (and project) problems where they don’t exist, which can create negative self-fulfilling prophecies. At the core of many anxious/preoccupied relational dynamics is deep mistrust.
AVOIDANT/DISMISSIVE
People who are avoidant-dismissive may seem emotionally hard to reach. They are often cut off from their feelings. Avoidant/dismissive individuals are compulsively self-reliant. They won't let themselves need or want because they’re trying to avoid the pain of disappointment. Somewhere along the way they learned that other people aren't dependable. Important people leave, die, cause pain, or don't come back. Individuals with this attachment style keep people at arm’s length as a self-protective strategy. They pre-empt rejection. "If I don't get too close, you can't hurt me." They may act indifferent, look aloof, and appear not to care. Deep inside, though, they are anxious and desperate for love. They want connection but calculate the risk of vulnerability to be too terrifyingly high.
DISORGANIZED
Individuals with disorganized attachment often are painful mashups of the worst of both of the preoccupied/dismissive worlds. They exist in a world of pain and psychic confusion. Often, these individuals live on a whipsaw of emotional push-and-pull, making them difficult to be close to. People exhibiting disorganized attachment patterns often have histories of profound trauma that has seriously disrupted their development of self or fractured the core of who they are.
Attachment theory isn't a blame-the-parents game. It's a way of understanding how and why we tend to move through the world the way we do. Self-awareness surrounding your interpersonal patterns can help you as you date, partner, parent, and work. Attachment styles are not a life sentence. They are stable but plastic. Many people raised in emotionally healthy environments have gone on to experience trauma and hurt that has derailed them in some way. Relational experiences throughout our lives modify the firing in our hearts and minds. The amazing news is that no matter your history, it is never too late to have corrective experiences and form new mental pathways. Neuroplasticity is the science of hope.
Relationships can hurt or heal us. Parents aren’t the only people who can serve as a secure base in our lives. When early connections have been problematic, subsequent relationships can offer second chances. Psychotherapy, at its best, provides this opportunity. But there is power and possibility in many connections we form throughout our lives. Who are the people who help you regroup? Who assists you in re-anchoring to a more accurate view of yourself and the world around you? Think about interactions that help you settle and leave you feeling more calm. Who talks you down when you're stressed? Whose vote of confidence ignites your courage? Identify these people in your family, your friend group, and at work. If you step back, you may discover you have secure bases all around you. Struggling to regulate? Reach out and connect with one of them. It’s what you were wired to do.
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Thank you Joy. A profoundly insightful read.