Two weeks ago, I did something I had never done before. I helped my husband compose a eulogy for someone who had committed suicide. I co-authored this somber script after one of his airmen took his own life. The whole thing was tragic, filled with sorrow, and, as is always the case in situations like these, very complicated.
"What do I say, Joy?" my husband asked. As this young man's commander, Philip would provide remarks during the funeral. He knew he would be forming one family's final impression of the military. "What do I say? To these parents? His sister? His wife?"
Heartache is a universal part of the human experience. Eventually, tragedy will find you. None of us can escape the pain of loss. Unfortunately, very few of us have learned how to sit with people in their suffering. It's uncomfortable. We grasp at straws, trying to figure out the "right" thing to say or do. Sometimes, we freeze. Silence seems safer than possibly getting it wrong. And maybe, in some cases, that's okay. People say some idiotic stuff to people who are going through hell. But, I think that, more often, silence results in missed opportunities for connection, deeper understanding, and, ultimately, healing.
My husband is well-acquainted with grief. He's stood at the foot of flag-draped coffins before. But this time was different. As we talked about his remarks, I offered this: "Maybe you start with what's true: 'This is a tragedy. And there is not a single thing I can stand up here and say to take away your pain or your suffering.'"
As a psychologist, I'm well-acquainted with suicide. When I worked at a hospital, acute suicidality was something I encountered almost every day. I hesitate to say that it was something I "treated," "dealt with," or "managed." Instead, it was more of an experience to understand. No matter what, there was a story to learn. Pain to bear witness to. And a human of immense innate value to support and protect while they were in a very vulnerable state.
My clinical career has given me a front-row seat to the darkest recesses of the human soul. Over time, I've come to suspect that, at some point in their lives, more people than not experience some intense difficulties that go largely unseen by the outside world. Look around you. You are surrounded by people dealing with hard things. Pain that cuts deep. Pain that, in some cases, becomes tortured desperation. Imagine if your brain was on fire and you were burning from the inside out. You'd want to scream. Or do anything to make it stop.
People who deal with severe depression don't look like the caricatures we see in pop culture. It’s easy to picture an image of an institutionalized, overmedicated patient in a mental hospital from the 1960s. But that’s not the real face of mental illness. People wrestling with serious emotional struggles don’t look like they’re straight out of a scene from “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.” Often, they’re smiling on the outside. Most of them are very high-functioning. Sometimes, amazingly so. They are C-suite executives. Successful entrepreneurs. Star students. Frequently, they are loving parents and supportive friends. A majority of these people have become masterful at masking their pain, which, in some ways, makes things worse. Invisible struggles are isolating and lonely. And they get missed.
If you're suffering, please know you're not alone. The antidote to your pain is connection. Reach out. There is something unique inside of you that no other person can ever offer. The world needs you. If you're gone, there is no "replacement." Just a hole. A big gaping hole. Even if you don't believe it, find someone who can remind you of this truth until you're ready to trust it yourself. You're not broken or weak if you say something. On the contrary—one of the strongest thing you can do is ask for help.
Whoever you are, very soon, you will encounter someone who's struggling. You cross paths with these people every day, often without realizing it. Make a point to move through the world with more grace and compassion. Ask people how they're (really) doing. Then, listen. It's not your job to take their problems away, so don’t worry about trying to "do" the “right” thing. By sitting side-by-side, you'll bear their burden with them. Pain shared is pain divided. Don’t offer trite platitudes or explanations. At all costs, resist any urge to say, "Everything happens for a reason." Just show up. Then, shut up. Trust the power of your presence.
Being a human is hard.
None of us were ever meant to figure this out on our own.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free, and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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